And once again . . .

Lollipops & Razorblades.

This morning I began my day with reflection I thought about my year in review. I think of how much of my life is lived in constant fear, fear to walk away, fear to be seen or not to be seen, fear to be happy or even just be mentally healthy.  Every year it is the same thing. What would I do if I did not have this fear in my life? What would I do with the extra time? Absurd, I realize this. I live in a strange place.  As I lay my mat down at practice this morning in meditation my teacher explains that we are in transition this time of year, our nervous systems, our souls or whatever is occurring at the moment that we can easily navigate our way through life (as well as our asana practice) just by sticking with our breath. It seems to be the only thing that we have in our control. . .the ability to breathe. Fine,ok, so I breathe. I try to take this with me, everything that I have learned in yoga over the past few years. Be kind and compassionate to others and mostly to yourself. Respect yourself. I struggle with that in many ways. I have chosen a profession that most would say is the most degrading job to do for any “respectable woman”, taking her clothes off for money. I have mixed emotions, I enjoy manipulating  men, this is my means of survival, taking their money, its my game and my rules it always has been that way.  I have zero accountability and don’t care. I lie all day. I trick men.  I don’t care if they live or die as long as they come back and pay me. I struggle with this. I contradict everything I stand for. I think I have grown away from this I hold on to it in fear because it is all I know. I went through a 200 hour yoga  teacher training, are you fucking kidding me? Breathe, I need to breathe and try to balance the two sides. It is not one way or the other not all yoga not all stripping. I need a middle ground, fear lies within the middle ground … I just need some quiet please. And then there is the one thing that I have done impeccably well, that would be the most important to most. I have found the truest form of love, I found Sparrow. A friend of mine said, “That you have nothing if you don’t have love.” I don’t know if I agree with that one hundred percent but i’ll take any points where they are given to me.  We are to marry this year.  Fear to leave the business, fear to stay for I have been far too long. Please let me be filled with loving kindness, let me be safe, happy and free …



~ by applejaxe on December 31, 2011.

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