Everything is not ok.

Lollipops & Razorblades.

Everything is not ok. Sparrow and I made it appoint to start the new year off right. Fucking. I went into my arsenal of clothing and put on a new navy lace bra let and matching thong, knee socks a given. Sparrow softly said,”take it off.” I countered with, “I just don’t want to be naked …ever.” Everything is not ok. One of my biggest fears has always been to carry my work (stripping) back into my home, into my relationship and permeate my sex life. I can’t turn it off. And that also means I can’t turn it on. I have been very distant and uninterested.  Not fair. This is his biggest fear, the detachment,  dissociation, the walls all the defense mechanisms that I have created to survive. The way I turn off pleasure, maybe I feel somewhere I just don’t deserve it. I go dead in the eyes, just proceed to go through the motions. Sucked dry emotionally from it all.  What is more important? The monetary gain or the man you are to marry? Sparrow wins undoubtedly. I still am having problems with breaking this cycle, I can’t do this to him. I can’t fold sweaters at the GAP.   I had to have it all, you greedy bitch you get what you deserve. I just want it to go away.  The anxiety, the warp speed that my mind is processing at. I need some sleep just for a little bit. I need it to stop stop stop my feet are rubbing together back and forth as I lie here. He is the only one that sees that … Everything is not ok. The fuck session, amazing, I came on his face.

ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on January 2, 2012.

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