Frost Flowers

Razorblades.

And it all seemed just like a dream, I have had several days like this in the past few months.  Nothing, nothing good comes from this.  This horrific hallucinogenic low. It all began with the lie that I told. Something so insignificant, it was work related. It was in regards to a comment that I had made on a stripper website promoting myself about my triumphal return. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. And no to the lady at Whole Foods, Jesus is not going to save me and so sorry he died on the cross for my sins. Really? I don’t know and I don’t care. Sparrow asked me after if I was on this specific site and if I wrote something. Lied bold to his face and then for 15 minutes argued my point that I did not do it. See this is what this job does to me, turns me right back into liar. I  don’t want him to have to think about all the shit that comes along with this job, emailing my customers creating “relationships” with these men. Creating this fantasy girl THAT DOES NOT EXSIST. Believe me come to my house. The site is nothing positive it’s just trash talking from  dancers who are jealous or customers that want to know who does take out, gives the best head or hand job for the lowest price. And it’s always the lowest price.  Just normal ever day pleasantries. “All we have is trust, we haven’t anything else but that, YOU broke that.” Sparrow had tears in his eyes. I had no argument anymore. It was all true, if I lie about something so small what happens next? That is how it all starts. . . small. I have never dealt with dancing and a boyfriend soon to be husband before. I don’t know how to act. I had no one to answer to and if I did it wasn’t in a terribly nice way. Karma has a way of coming back around and shit kicking me, hard. He picked me up off the floor, he placed me into bed, “baby you need rest, rest please.” My mind again won’t stop, the images of hanging by the noose or the ease  of a razorblade . . .he has nightmares about that.  And again, like nothing happened I awoke this morning to the beauty of the icicle frost flowers on my window, winter has arrived. I have taken to notice the light, that blaring January light, what I hated for so long has brought some acceptance. For all the things I can not change. Sparrow placed my hand on his heart, there we no words spoken, didn’t need to be.

-ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on January 4, 2012.

One Response to “Frost Flowers”

  1. Hi, thank you for dropping by 🙂 yes that post is one of my nicer ones, I don’t get many chances to write those kind

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