I do it so the little light that is left doesn’t go out.

Lollipops.

I do it so the little light that is left doesn’t go out. Its very rare to see yourself  in one of the most private ways, during your yoga practice. I have, amongst many other things, struggled with yoga and all that comes along with it.  Recentally I have chalked it up to just another workout for me.  Its not. I know that, I think now more then ever. It is what is keeping me alive. NOT saving me, keeping me alive. It gives me the ability to love and that is so desperately what I need to be able to do. I hold it back, I hold it all in, all this love. I cover it in dark, sarcasm, and hard. My practice is the one thing that is honestly who I am.   I do it so the little light that is left doesn’t go out.  This period of darkness has cemented me in my fear, anxiety and self loathing but my practice has let me  keep and continue to work towards love.  My father turned 70 the other day, Sparrow and I took him out for dinner. I love my dad more then life itself.  I never knew until recently  how devastating the loss of my mother must have been for him 13 years ago until I found that kind of love.  It breaks my heart that my dad is alone in the remainder of his golden years, he can’t relax because of me, the instability, constant worry.  The house isn’t as clean as it should be and he is forgetting things and it scares the shit out of me.  After mommy died is when it all fell down, he was the one that kept me together.  All there is is love. And I worry, I worry and get scared and all that scared turns into complete anger to the ones that I love. I fucking hate that.  That is when I hate me.  I do it so the little light that is left doesn’t go out.  Sparrow is really kind to my dad, It means more to me then he will ever know.  I have to work on not believing  that hell is around the corner for me all the time.  I say I have nothing, nothing to offer, nothing to give.  I measure my worth by the amount of money I make per day.  I hide it all in secrets for what? To be able to say I have secrets. . .who the fuck cares.  Sparrow said, during the dark days this past week, “Just don’t let the light go out, I wish you could see what I do.”  I didn’t get it and I am sure I won’t always, I saw a glimpse this week.  It was simple beauty.  I think it saved my life.

-ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on January 8, 2012.

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