The space in between.

Lollipops & Razorblades.

Sparrow had me close my eyes and placed in my hand the rose quartz crystal heart, the meaning self love. He told me that I needed to look at this heart everyday to remind myself to do just that. I suppose it is becoming very apparent to those around me that indeed I do not love myself. I am in this horrible cycle of repeating the same fucked up self loathing and self sabotage routine that leaves me with absolutely nothing. I am always left with nothing in the end. Clearly and concisely acknowledging what I am doing and deliberately walking away from opportunity as if I don’t deserve it. I do truly believe somewhere that I don’t. I then leave myself with the “only option”, another round of monetary gain, back into the blacklights and the subculture of the strip club. Holding on to this tiny piece of me that is waining and seeping further and further from me. I am plagued by my fear, “never to try, you are a failure”. Maybe I am. I sit here day in and day out watching this precious time that I will never get back fall by the way side. I don’t know what to do. I feel so alone inside. I can look back and that seems to be all I am doing, compiling all the things I can’t do or haven’t done. Loser talk I know, move the fuck on. I have a tendency to make horrible choices. . .fucking choices. I like to eat DOTS and throw them up, I know it’s called an eating disorder. I also work out and do yoga to maintain the way that I look, I know vanity. It wasn’t suppose to be like this, I wasn’t suppose to make stripping my only option. My fantasylands foundation is cracking. Sparrow tells me that I leave a lot of the time now. I ask him where it is that I have gone? He tells me I get this very dead in the eyes look, not the normal” fuck it” anger default, the scary one when I am too tired to fight. Then I get it, I literally wanted to slice my stomach open with a razor this week. Not good. Poor Sparrow . . . he literally had to unclench my fists from my hair as I was trying to pull it out. I know I have something to give, maybe even a lot. I have no idea in the least bit how to access it. Sad. Maybe this is where I have to begin. I can’t keep going like this. Sparrow and I are in a very interesting place we both are unemployed, no more corporate america, soon at some point, no more stripping. . .at best there is only a small window left in my career, if that anymore. We are living in this really strange haze. Uncertainty. A whole world that is at our door step, absolute terror of stepping out and seeing what’s there. He deserves better I tell him. He then tells me that, “everything is ok as long as I have you.” “You are living with a lunatic” I say. . .he smiles. “Will you bring me Pandas?” I ask. “Of course sweetheart, promise.” We sit on the bed opposite ways facing each other, my feet are on the wall. This is a strange time we are in.

-ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on January 12, 2012.

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