Diamond Cutter?

Lollipops.

I have had this “people are full of shit” notion for along time. Most men are straight up douche bags and most women are backstabbing bitches. Don’t get me wrong I can be both and don’t think for a second that I wouldn’t throw someone underneath the bus. But then I stopped and thought about it for a long time, I have had a number of opportunities to do so and didn’t. I walked away quietly and carried myself with the dignity of my truth. If you give someone enough rope eventually they will hang themselves all by their very own doing. If someone does me wrong I truly believe that it all will catch up to them at some point, again it is all in the way you choose to live you life . . . fucking choices. I live very guarded and few have made it through the bramble and thicket into the castle, my castle of beautiful fucked up madness and light. I suppose the only person that gets hurt in all of this is me. Never giving people a chance, a chance to care a chance to get a glimpse of all the sweet goodness I have to offer. My Sparrow would say, “I keep all the good locked away”. Who the fuck knows why I wear the ugly on the outside until you get in. I think a lot of it was (is) my job, I rarely run into any sort of decency but once you are ready to check EVERYBODY off as being full of shit douche bags and backstabbing bitches some little something happens that helps you restore faith in the human breed. Months and months ago I corresponded with one of my favorite authors I asked if there was anyway that I could have a signed copy of his book. I told him I would pay for it, he was thrilled and asked for the address and ended it with, “its on its way.” Ok I thought as months and months and by and nothing, I hated liars, what a narcissistic prick. . . go screw. Lost my respect. Low and behold in my mailbox a few days ago there it was with sincerest apologizes for the tardiness of it all. This made me really think about people and maybe for one second that they are not all full of shit. Maybe I should allow myself to be a bit more open to others and be able to see this overall decency that people can carry. This also got me thinking about forgiveness, people fuck up. . .a lot, it is a part of life. But it is about the nature of the fuck up and how you manage to carry yourself through this. I am not forgiving. At all. Not a redeeming quality. I know. I think it is because I don’t let anyone in that when I do, it usually results in such a devastating, disgusting, vile act that makes me fucking hate that leads me to not forgive. Nevertheless, I still won’t throw you under the bus or defame. I walk and carry myself with dignity and respect. But like anything else there are times when you need to just let that shit be for sanctity and sanity of your own well being that it becomes easier to forgive. I haven’t gotten here yet, but I am going to try. Forgive . . . not just others but for me to forgive myself for abusing myself physically and emotionally and unmercifully for a nearly a decade. I am worth forgiveness to myself. And I also realize that some are still going to be douche bags and backstabbing bitches, I forgive you as well, I am so sorry that you have to be you. As for me I have a long road but I think I will begin this week a little less fearful, or try to be I think at the end of the day if I am standing on my hands breathing that will be a remarkable act of forgiveness and fearlessness. Just some peace … just a little, just for a while.

-ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on January 15, 2012.

2 Responses to “Diamond Cutter?”

  1. “I forgive you as well, I am so sorry that you have to be you. ”

    Beautiful.That’s what it all comes down to. It doesn’t matter if everyone out there is horrible, it’s not really their fault at the end of the day – how they were raised, what their genetic makeup consists of. I still have a lot of trouble with not hating most of the people I see on a day to day basis, but when I step back and acknowledge that it probably isn’t their fault for whatever imagined slight they’ve done to me, I feel a bit more empathy. It’s not a cure, though, by any means.

  2. Thank you for reading. I find in my experience that most of the time what it comes down to is, hurt people, hurt people. Everyone has a story, the keys how we choose to carry ourself through life. Everyday we have a choice to choose to be a better person then we were the day before. It takes practice.

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