Rare and Precious, Precious Things.

Lollipops.

A little bit of pink sky amongst the swirling gray clouds at sunset, a bit of hope and promise. This precious glimpse of softer kinder times. I watched from the bathroom window as it unfolded, almost telling me at some point it will be okay. The reason that I believe this is, if I am able to still see such beauty no matter how hard it has been or will continue being, a part of me has not given up, the part that always has seen these precious things. Sparrow and I are talking a lot lately about our marriage, to me that is the most important thing forget the wedding, and that is what we have decided to do, fucking forget it. It was really a hard decision for me, it became too much not having my mother. I have no one else really to share it with. Mothers are the core. I miss mine dearly especially at this time in my life. I’m getting married and there is no one. I think I grieved my mother all over again, or then again maybe it was for the first time. Laying in practice the other night in frog pose (fucking excruciating beyond words, I hate that fucking pose) I began to cry, the sadness was so overwhelming, the feeling of utter loss all permeating out of my hips. Maybe I was letting go of my deep rooted shit, maybe it was a good thing, maybe I just should have picked up my mat and left. There is so much I can’t hold in and on to anymore. Sparrow and I have pick our wedding destination, Las Vegas, it is the absolute best and the worst place for us, it does though seem fitting. All I can do is draw parallels to Nicolas Cage and Elizabeth Shue in “Leaving Las Vegas” that would be Sparrow and me at our absolute worst. I find some comfort that. Our ugly is what makes us beautiful. Sad. Crazy and Fucking Mad. In the end it is always just going to be us two. We fuck beautifully with no words to explain the connection, it just is. Tonight it is Sparrow that can’t keep his composure, it has gotten too much, handling me, our financial situation, not drinking, his confusion and the mind state he faces with no support other then me. His family just doesn’t get it, it pains him so badly not to have them. They say all the wrong things all the time, I can’t help but be very disconnected. I know that does not help the situation. They wonder what kind of psychological nutcase their son is marrying and elude that we should wait longer to marry. That to me is a sting that will never be forgotten, ever. And I also carry with me that they know my line of work and even if they don’t judge me outwardly they do somewhere. “All the women in the world and this is who my son ends up with.” Sparrow tells me I make all this shit up. Maybe, but one can not say that it doesn’t cross their mind. And so a family lays divided. Precious moments, precious time I will never be loved like a mother loves her daughter, I can’t even imagine allowing someone a similar role in my life, I walk that road alone. No one thinks of us, no one expects anything from us, its like being lost in a maze together with everyone knowing where we are watching us from above. No solutions, explanations just waiting as life continues on and we stand within the confinement of the maze lost and confused. They all stare up into the sunlight and cheer it’s another bright beautiful day here. We are shivering and cold we are together. We lay together holding hands Sparrow pulls out the silver metal shaped heart that I gave him a while ago, my heart, his eyes well up with tears as he clenches it tightly. Life’s rare and precious, precious things.

-ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on January 26, 2012.

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