Pink Sky

Lollipops

Holding space this is a term that anyone that has practiced yoga for any length of time or has partaken in a teacher training knows about.  It really is just that simple, taking control of a situation and being a stronger presence providing some sort of comfort, for emotional releases, physical breakdown and barriers that are just  beginning to surface.  We make jokes “whatever comes up on your mat just let it go”. It’s really true, some of the most unpleasant shit comes out of your body that you never knew was there, stuffed so deep inside.  The amazing thing about holding space is it’s all done completely without saying a damn word.  Strange, the way you know when you are holding space . . . or when someone is  holding it for you.  It is no secret, well this is me, and yes it probably is to most. . .that I am scared  all of the time with most things.  I am scared of the basement, I am scared of garden gnomes, I am scared of actually being seen for who I truly am.  Not that I am at all ashamed, just that I am not as hard as most people tend to think I am. Therefore, I may seem, I don’t know, human and vulnerable . . . and what is wrong with that? I don’t know everything.  I am so use to acting, creating, being visually stimulating and pleasing.  Sparrow holds space for me almost all the time, with everything against everybody.  He is very protective of me and my psyche and I sometimes forget that he may need me to do the same from time to time.  Remember I am the damaged and selfish one.  I had some unpleasant news come my way yesterday, shocker, but for once it wasn’t just the run of the mill I got the short end of the stick kind of news, or the awful news that I have to go Florida and stay with Sparrows family for a week next month type of news.  This was in regards to my health. . .and not my mental health . . . it was my physical health. Fucking really? Never have I been sick, ever, sick was my mother and she is dead, oh my god I have cancer and I am going to die.  This is karma for all the bad shit you do and you say you are going to rot in hell you fuck, you vain fuck.  Take away my ability to do and I can’t get by, you might as well just dig a hole now and burry me.  Sparrow, my usual rock, seemed a bit unsteady, shaken and scared.  We went into the hospital and all the horrible images of my mother are all over the place, the smell, the impending doom, the doctor saying to my father if you want her wedding ring we will have to break her finger. As he stands there looking at his newly deceased wife . . . that is some real, no shit PTSD.  I had a minor surgery take place.  I am healthy, I am fine, nothing to worry about, something minor that could have been major.  Sparrow’s still presently shaken, he couldn’t handle the idea of something bad happening to me . . . I saw very quickly that I needed to be there for him, hold a little bit of space for him.  He quickly began to beat the shit out of himself for being so upset or complaining about his allergies or feeling like he had no right to be acting like that.  We all need comfort.  I have begun to put a few things into perspective. Some of the things that I think are larger then life are nothing on the grand scale, believe me I am not minimizing my hardship or my ongoing struggles, they are in my face constantly.  I am brought back to a friend of mine, a very special girl “Lydia”, we danced together, we are the only ones that made it out from my knowledge.  She was doing better then me, married, had a family with a new baby on the way. . .I was so happy for her.  Until about a month ago, she was having some complications and the baby had a rare heart disorder.  The baby was going to have open heart surgery upon delivery, “Lydia” had to have an emergency c-section, the baby was stillborn.  There are no words to say to something like that.  I have nothing to complain about, I do not have shit in comparison to that kind of loss.  “Lydia” will never be the same, understandable.  During my Thursday night practice we concluded with with a gratitude meditation.  Three things hold them close to your heart and really think about it. What are you grateful for?  My Sparrow, my Father and pets and the ability to find a deeper connection to myself, the strength that I do hold and sometimes don’t see. And I can do so in a safe and place all at my own time and pace.  I am home now.

-ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on April 21, 2012.

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