Hell’s Around the Corner.

ImageLollipops & Razorblades.

“The constant struggle ensures my insanity . . . Hell’s around the corner where I shelter.”

I have always had a quick temper and a sharp tongue.  My words can be cutting, mean to the point that I hit way below the belt.  With that said, I have never experienced wanting to fucking beat the living shit out of someone  . . . until recent. The only person that I would abuse on any kind of regular basis was myself I have seem to have found myself in a sadomasochistic relationship alone.  I, on any given occasion, can find a host of things that are wrong with me, how fucked up this situation is I have landed in, and what a “fucking loser cunt stripper” I am (just borrowing those words from an ex).  Look how I turned out, and oh PS, I am totally unable to take care of myself, hot right? Maybe . . . but, then I think shit, what the fuck else would I have been trying to become, a functioning corporate level nine to fiver? That was Sparrow, he did it right and we both ended up in the same place except the two things he has over me is a unemployment check and a resume, I though, have the better story.  My level of frustration has spiked, I am notoriously impatient, even in yoga, during meditation I am impatient with my racing mind, thinking, alway thinking, trying to manipulate myself, that is completely unreasonable. I am not sure how I am able to do this but there is apparently a part of me that is very much cognizant of the fact that I am not totally in the dark.  Parts of me right now feel like they are just dying off, the need for others, don’t need so much, the constant spending, don’t really care, others would say “knowing me” that is classic “depression”, “what YOU don’t want to shop. . .now there is something wrong.” Yeah, like I have said before nobody knows me, they really don’t have a fucking clue.  I am not sure if me becoming more detached from society has begun to turn me.  Yes I realize I have always been detached, I lived underground behind velvet curtains and neon lights and played dress up.  I think that my lack of involvement in regular society has now brought this violent element to my personality.   The other morning again at the gym, again, I know I seem to be having a lot of issues at the gym lately but it is one of the few places I go.  Sparrow and I were getting ready to do our cardio and put our stuff down on a machine I ran to pee, I come back and this bitch thew my stuff off of it.  I went over, nicely (maybe that is a stretch) and said I had my stuff here, what is she doing?  This old dried up bag started  at me, “if you want an attitude ill give you one.” Okay just stop, really? It is first thing in the morning.  This is childish, hardcore.  I went off on this old bitch, “I’ll gut you like the fucking pig you are.” I literally have never in my entire life wanted to beat the living shit out of someone and it was this random woman, “bitch who do you think you are talking too?”  I am not sure if this is good or bad. If I am starting to hate myself a little less then maybe it is good, but it may just be another loose cannon that I am starting to walk around with.  I felt out of control.  Maybe it’s stress, maybe she should watch her step, maybe I should kill her.

Sparrow and I leave for the state with no soul on Thursday, this would be Florida I am referring too.  His parents are flying us down, I had no say.  I don’t like not having a choice.  Never take away my control, that never goes well. I though, am trying desperately to put my shit on the back burner, this is going to be hard for Sparrow, he hasn’t seen them in over a year.  Nothing really since his recovery, our engagement, the unemployment and umm, who the fuck is our son marrying? I know they are apprehensive of me.  They know I am not the most stable person.  I know they drink too much and don’t know their son anymore.  The anxiety in the house right now is through the roof.  Sparrow knows what this trip will entail, and it is not a free vacation, it is on their terms.  I don’t want to see him anymore uncomfortable then he is, it has already been too hard.  It is just the two of us.  It is so hard when people just don’t get it.  And if I have to explain it then you don’t get it either.  It is simple you are one of us, or you aren’t, they aren’t.  Not bad people just don’t have a fucking clue.  I don’t think they ever want us to marry.  That hurts Sparrow, I know he holds resentment after that conversation with his father almost a year ago.  I don’t have much to say,  I do have more influence over Sparrow then they do, I know that they know that and will tread lightly with me, they are far from stupid, Sparrow however is another story, they may not be so easy with him.  I hope we come back okay, I feel like we are walking into a house of horror that looks great on the outside very welcoming, its what is waiting for us on the inside that I fear.  Can some of it be in my head? Yes.  It is me and I have an imagination.  I did not imagine the shitty flight we have.  I will try if I can now to manipulate myself into believing that it is all going to be cotton candy and lollipops.  We are sleeping in the lanai on a bed that hangs from the celling next to the pool, we have a gym in the house, we have a boat to go on and people to wait on us.  All true.  I know, sounds great.  I just will keep telling myself it is going to be just that.  Denial.  Please let us be safe.  Please let there be some quiet.  Peace just peace.  I want to feel the warmth of the sunshine on my face, having it be just that, nothing more, not looking over my shoulder.   Being just in that moment, I’ll wait for that.  I know we both will.

-ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on May 16, 2012.

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