Black Hole Sun.

“And if bridges gotta fall, then you’ll fall, too.”


I am absolutely stone cold done.  The past week Sparrow and I vacationed in the eighth realm of hell.  Boy, I sure know how to call it, but it was far worse of a trip then my naturally pessimistic self could have conjured up.  A complete and total shit show from start to finish. If I had any inclination of what this would be I would have told his parents to take the plane tickets and shove them so far up their ass that they fucking choke.  From arrival until departure there was not a free minute for the two of us to be had, only by desperately trying to fade into a party that was soaked and saturated with alcohol. Thanks, your son is a recovering alcoholic, thanks for the consideration, and thank you for the one organic green pepper for me to eat.  Oh my god I have not eaten a meal in over a week, I have lost about 5 pounds and now  most likely weighing in at one hundred pounds, thanks for the fucking vacation, I’m thin anyway, now I look anorexic. Great.  These have to be the most selfish people that I have ever met.  Ready, after Sparrow and I went to the shitty grocery store, (I can not believe that there is no whole foods,) his parents then proceeded to use our food for their party guests, so then it was olives for me. It was his mothers birthday, Sparrow gave her a card. For months there has been an ever growing disconnect with his family we are in the northeast they are in Florida.  As time went by, after Sparrow lost his job the conversations with them went from being weekly, to only about the weather to nothing . . . no communication. They have no idea who he is anymore, especially since he stopped drinking.  So much of this families dynamics are based on socializing over drinks, now there is nothing to say. Who the hell wants to bull shit around a fire? Um not me, but this is not about me, Sparrow doesn’t want to either.  Everything is summed up in about a twenty minute talk.  Nothing is good, we are struggling, money is tight, there are no jobs, the only one that is available isn’t really . . . hmmm. . .no it isn’t, the house that we are living in is declining in value every fucking day, the people that are moving in are so not good and his dog died, what else?  This is what you want to hear? That is it, done.  If it only went that smooth.  I don’t think, in fact I know, that I did not once stop for a moment and look up, take a breath and be calm, what I needed so desperately, what he needed more then ever.  The little time that we did have was in the morning we were able to go take our runs, that was the only thing that I enjoyed, twenty five to thirty minutes then it was over.  It was constant, do this, go here, sit and talk, have people over, go see the grandparents, and finally it was like fuck you no I am not going to the shit stain diner for breakfast I’m gonna eat my bowl of cereal that I bought. Leave Me Alone.  Neither of us had time to shut down and recharge. We layed out  our mats out to practice and I thought ok, this is a dead ringer we are going to be left alone.  Who the fuck sits in lawn chairs and watches people practice yoga? It’s like my fucking church, let me pray alone, go screw.  It was day three, that Sunday night, I was starting to think ok we have literally one more day. I thought it was going to be an early night, maybe we could go for a walk, go to the beach and get sea shells, that is something we both love to do. Maybe I will have a few minutes to actually look on my laptop surf the internet or I don’t know, maybe write.  Shit just went Bravo on us.  I thought I was in an episode of the freaking New Jersey Housewives and Dr. Phil, no shit.  I have never seen people begin to behave so badly.  Sparrow and his mother started to get into it because of the fact that he (and quiet fankly me as well) needed sometime to ourself to rest.  That did not go over so well, there were certain “expectations” for this trip and we were not living up to any of them.  Apparently the card that Sparrow had bought for his mothers birthday was too “generic” and not thoughtful enough, they were unhappy that there were no gifts given to them and  because of those two accusations that means that Sparrow does not care.  He is selfish, self absorbed making them feel as if they were a burden in his life even after flying us both in.  They feel unwanted in his life, like a throw away.  They continued to tell him that we should let our house go and move into an apartment and there was nothing wrong with that.  His father was demanding about the money that Sparrow had borrowed a while back when he still had a job, the first thing that he asked for when we walked through the door, “do you have the check?”.  You live in a very expensive home, have two new cars, a boat, a harley and all you care about is taking two hundred dollars from your unemployed son.  Thanks to his father for telling him that when they die there will be around a million dollars . . . really. . .you fucks.   Sparrow has never missed a payment.  Give the kid a fucking break.  I did not intervene.  If I did I would  have caused a worse rift then there is and we would have ended up leaving and staying over night in a hotel that we couldn’t afford.  They destroyed him, he is shattered, how could they do this to him? Sparrow is the most selfless person that I know, he does everything for me.  They called him angry, he isn’t that even a little, they have no idea who he is and how much  he has changed, all they know is the drunken Sparrow they haven’t even tried to get to know the sober one.  This trip only confirmed to Sparrow that he really doesn’t have anyone except me. It is really sad, that sums it up, they can never ever take this away.  The next morning it was like nothing was wrong and nothing happened.  Almost like it were a “good thing” . . .ok, I fucking hate you, you hurt the man I love.  Oh and thank you for not even acknowledging my engagement ring.  I have no idea how this will  pan out seeing we are so far away it is hard to repair with distance.  I have to let Sparrow take the lead with this one, not my family.  I handle things very differently anyway.

We arrived at our home in our shitty neighborhood, we were greeted by the animals that we love and went outside, fed the birds and sat in our chairs and watched the safe little place that we created.  At the end of the day, annoying reggaeton aside, we are home.  This morning in yoga (it was nice to be back) after practice we are sitting on our mats and our teacher, our friend, starts talking about our spirit and how yoga can be our tool to finding this freedom to who we truly are.  Sparrow has the most beautiful spirit, he truly touches just about everyone that he meets, he really is that special, I am not being biased.  I ask myself all the time why the hell he picked me.  Nobody is going to break his spirit, over my dead body. I can not believe the week it has been, I feel like I have finally woken from this nightmare I am shutting off now. I need a little bit of quiet.



~ by applejaxe on May 25, 2012.

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