Smoke And Mirrors.

“I’m trying’ to find a way, I’m trying to find a right, and if I budge I might just.”


I have come to accept that I am one that is suppose to cater to the strange and weird in society.  I realize this, not only from the jobs that I have chosen, but for the simple reason that I am one . . . so is Sparrow, and you know what?  That’s just O – Fucking – K with me.  On my recent endeavor for me not to go back to stripping, I sat back and thought, what would be a fun job? A job that really would not be on the top of anyones to become list, something that’s kind of quirky. Not that any of my jobs have been on high standing ground within society, why the fuck should this be.  Ok, so I told Sparrow that I wanted to go work at a porno store, who cares what the pay was, I could say I worked at a “porn store” and have great stories to tell. I had a feeling that this job would not last more then a month and that was probably long enough, until I made the decision if it was back to six inch platforms in the daytime.  I also figured, that once again there is a need for these places and I was understanding enough for the strange and weird with in society.  If someone needed to know where the extra large anal beads or butt plugs were located I surly would love to show them, no judgment.  I am sensitive to this kind of lonely, everyone has the right to get laid in any fashion that is appealing, even if it may be the large latex blow up doll.  Totally just do you, or not . . . you know what I mean.  When I ran the idea by Sparrow he thought that it was an interesting choice and wanted to do it himself for the same reasons, “imagine the shit that you see, and the stories that you hear.” Sparrow would want me to do just about any job that involved keeping my clothes on, even if it meant that I had to become a Catholic Republican that attended church every Sunday, and he hates both those people and their churches.  Saturday morning after yoga and before whole foods we were off to the porn store.  Wow, that porn store at noon on a Saturday is the place to be, the parking lot was full.  This was not just a porno store, it had the jerk off booths in the back, ewe.  I thought to myself they would have a porter to clean all that spooge, yeah, not me.  As we were walking in there was a man that was entering in as well.  No lie, this guy was wearing a purple unicorn tee shirt in his fifties and looked like Ron Jeremy.  Still no judgement, everyone has the right to their own personal weird.  He was really dirty though, like dirt dirty, as in unhygienic.  There was a man walking out again in late fifties early sixties, he was filthy.  I had never seen such dirty poor mother fuckers in my life.  That is all it was, this store is located right next to the club I worked at, ok, never did these kind of vultures come into my place of employment. I say vultures because the way that they looked at Sparrow, it was like he was god damn fresh road kill on a hot summer day in that joint.  We were not even in a predomentally gay store, the gays do love him though.  I said to him I felt more violated in the porno store then I felt stripping.  I could never do that kind of work, it’s not what I thought. Why subject myself to that when I could just let lululemon take advantage of me and mass market me.  I at least would have a great discount and amazing yoga clothing, some even for free, that’s right, free.  No surprise, that the porno store was just seedy and not in a good way. Who wants to stock porn videos all day and set movies to to cum shots in the video booths? I would have at least been tempted if I got really strange phone calls all day.  I doubt that even happens anymore.  I am slightly annoyed with myself thinking that this would have been “fun” or “quirky”. I feel like some of  the people, the morons, that would come into the strip club and ask me what it was like to have this job, and how “fun” it must be.  Um  . . . no it’s not  when I have to deal with stupid fuckers asking me dumb crap expecting something for free.  Oh, and here is the difference, I didn’t have to deal with anyone I didn’t want to.  Nobody knew me, that is where the safety lied.  I can’t just be nice, though, I am really nice especially to strangers, or maybe I am just nice to whom ever it is that I feel like being nice to.  Maybe I should just be nicer in general . . .  but not filthy people or better yet management.   Nobody manages me,  I would have had to be me.  Nope can’t do it.  Even Sparrow agreed, not a good thing.  My porno store fantasy job has been crushed with the reality I already knew.  Nothing good comes from those places.  Shame on Sparrow and myself we knew better, Gotham City live sex show one of the last peep shows in NYC . . . we never did get a show . . . we had two fat old broads tells us that we had not paid enough for any show.  We saw what was there and could not get the fuck out of the tiny booth fast enough. Hi you are like forty five, you should not be there and be happy with the twenty bucks.  I know no refund.  What a joke. They had rotten dildo’s, seriously gross.  Maybe there is a reason that Gulianni shut down the porn in Times Square, he did not want to look at these two fat bitches either.  Maybe it was not such a bad idea in hind sight.

It’s okay that I am left of center.  I get it, I know there are others that get it.  I keep telling myself that it’s ok, and it is as long as I keep trying. Keep trying . . . I know inside that I will be alright.



~ by applejaxe on June 10, 2012.

5 Responses to “Smoke And Mirrors.”

  1. You write beautifully about such sad things. Really, you’re writer.

  2. That has to be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Thank you so much, truly. Be well.

  3. A truly incredible story, and yes you will be alright.
    much love
    Thank you for following, I get kinda crazy at times just look over me..

    • Thank you for that. I appreciate you taking time to read some of my blog 🙂 I look forward to reading more by you and learning some. And yes we all get crazy, but, I will especially look over YOU. Be well.

      • Hey no worries, i dig crazy women anyway , yea I get kinda out there at times, so um yea, feel free to post a comment be it you agree or disagree.
        Keep your head up… ill be reading much more.

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