Dusk.

Lollipops.

“Now I can tell you about success, about fame.  About the rise and the fall  all of the stars in the sky.  Don’t it make you smile? Let it will be, just let it be, won’t you let it be.”

The rain has stopped.  The neighborhood  for once is silenced, its like the birds finally have had enough, said,” fuck you” to the reggaeton and decided to be in control of it all.  It’s really beautiful now, it’s like a safe time in the day.  It reminds me of being in my little girl bedroom as a child, the same place that I revisited several more times as an adult in massive fits of instability and anger.  There is at least for me, an undeniable yearning to have that again.  Not being at home living with my father,(I love him dearly) that particular safe feeling with the widows open and only the birds chirping in the early evening hours . . . dusk.  I think, no, I know, that this sense of safe has in the past has let me quiet possibly make it to see another day.  It gave me some time to appreciate life, and what if I choose to not continue on with, I would end up missing.  Really they are just the beautiful things that almost everyone takes for granted.  Paying attention the the way the light changes and comes through, the fragrance that the petunias gives off or watching Olivia, my cat, move from her cozy sleeping spot to being sprawled out on her back legs wide open to cool herself on the wood floor, hussy position I call it.  These are subtle changes that happen as the season change.  Time keeps moving on . . . I need to focus on the good things that I have in order to feel safe.  I know Sparrow is feeling more and more unsafe as the time emerges.  I feel like we are marking time doing nothing at the moment, its like waiting, I am not sure what in fact we are waiting for.  I think I don’t want to play this game, for some reason, I believe I don’t have a choice . . . just waiting for that. . .oh wait, I know. . .the other shoe to drop.  Didn’t it already?

Image

I ask Sparrow a lot about karma, he knows a bunch, he has entire tattoo sleeve dedicated to the eight auspicious symbols in Buddhism.  He reads, all the time, I believe this has helped make him a better person, I know it because he tells me so.  His devotion to kindness and compassion, like I have said many a time, I have no idea what the hell he is doing with me.  So Karma, I always ask ,”when is it going to come back around?” then he replies with, “it already is.”  Great, so my understanding is the suffering that I am spending in this life is from my previous life. Whatever that was, “I” was not a good person.  The acts that happened “pre” me are being set and implemented into my current situation.  I can not stop this, I am getting what I  clearly deserve.  So I  then say, “I  have shitty karma and who cares now what happens, I am already destined to a life of misery, right?” I am saying this also with a hint of sarcasm, may the karmic gods  find me some what funny and redeem me a tad.  Nope, not so lucky, Sparrow my enlightened being, lets me in on a little thing, the way I live my life on a daily basis will help my future karmic travels.  I tell him I don’t care, I won’t be the one living this life who knows what in the after life I will be.  I said I wanted to be a cat, Sparrow informed me that an animal is the lowest you can be along with insects.  You would have had to be horrible to end up a cat.  What is their definition of horrible? I think cats are the greatest, and I thought they were the only animals that could live in heaven and hell . . . or maybe they were stuck in limbo.  In any event, I guess that all I can do is try to continue down my road and make decent decisions from this point on, I guess me taking that coconut water from yoga isn’t going to help stack the cards in my favor, or the pants that I borrowed from the studios boutique.  That is really not my fault, they didn’t charge me and you know what? Fucking sorry I didn’t tell you.  What do I look stupid? I looked at is as being a, “life’s good to you little” gift.  I like when that happens, fuck, there I go again.  I still thought I deserved them, they look cute too.

Safe for me is folding clothes, safe for me is that quiet in that  front bedroom with the big fir trees along the front yard.  Safe for me is my sweet ever loving Sparrow that I was so lucky to find . . . karma fuck you, I had to have kinda done something right.  The ones that love you will always love you and forever be right by your side.  You are lucky if you find one good one that’s along for the long haul . . . hand in hand walking up and into the stars.

-ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on June 14, 2012.

3 Responses to “Dusk.”

  1. Do you think you deserve ill luck if you don’t know what your previous self did wrong…? Unless you feel some sort of repressed evil lurking within you 😮 then I suppose so 🙂

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