Impermanence.

“Before I let you down again. I just want to see you in your eyes. I wouldn’t have taken everything out on you, I only thought you could understand.”

Razorblades.

It is no surprise that things in this household have been a bit of a downward slope for a while. We . . . Sparrow and I have always been very much interconnected and on the same page. When all else has failed or tried us, we always were able to stand strong together. I have said since day one, all that matters is me and you, shit, who else is it going to be in the end? If we don’t have each other, well then together we have nothing. Since the day that I met Sparrow and we grew closer we had that whole conversation, what do you want out of this life talk. I always said, “all I need is security”, and yes, that meant financial security. I was honest, at this point the only way that I knew how to take care of myself independently, was by stripping. I also stated, in this conversation that what I needed was, “a serious sense of stability.” Yes being finacially well off is great, it took a shit ton of pressure off of me, I could leave the business and really concentrate hard on what in fact was the next reasonable step for me. This is actually the position that we were in last year, Sparrow hated his job, but he made damn good money. I knew he would not be there forever, a next step was in order. No one thought that he was going to be thrown into the gutter. This life . . . I thought we were going to be like, really ok. Marriage in September then starting a life . . . a happy one. In the past year we both have lost a lot, more Sparrow then myself. He lost his family, job, dog, friends . . . he lost his confidence. I get it, it breaks my fucking heart, rips right through it. We got to talking about non attachment, something that
Sparrow has talked to great lengths with me about. It is one of those Buddhism things and all . . . impermanence. So from what I gather, this is practicing “non attachment” to everything in your life, including your loved ones. I didn’t get it, I always when with someone or something get overly attached, even if it may be weird, to my purple tank top. How do you not get attached? Forget it . . . if I can’t practice “non attachment” with my wardrobe, come the fuck on. He looked at me with this smirk that he gets and says “baby” . . . I think he finds my statements to be a bit ridiculous, this is also what he finds so endearing about me. He then proceeds to explain that impermanence means that nothing is forever. I say then when we die I don’t want to be alone, I want him to be right next to me. He informs me that most likely will not be the case, I make him promise though we will, he placates me and smiles . . . “ok sweetheart, we will be.” In our recent disagreement impermanence came up, he said that he has not practiced it to well with me. Sparrow said that he is far to attached and it scares the shit out of him. What if something were to go wrong? What if he can not provide me with the two things that I said that I needed . . . security and stability.

I know he hates that I am going back to work. He knows he has no say in this. We fight about it, we disagree about it, we rarely can find any space to talk about it. I get mad . . . it is going to be a few months, just to get us out of the shit for hole we are in at the moment. I think he’d rather stay in the hole. . .over my dead body. . .see the clashing viewpoints? I understand no man that loves his woman, the one he is going to spend the rest of his life with wants to say she is out stripping. I get that, it is hard to think of others seeing the one he loves naked and dancing for men. I get that all he wants to do it take care of me . . . I know as he reads this he will tear up. That’s all he ever wanted, to give me the life I yearned for. I keep telling him that at some point we will get there together, this is just a small blip in our life. Here is the thing about stability, me going back to work does in fact provide me with a sense of normalcy. It’s what I have always done, it is how I was able to function. I was taking care of myself, all on my own. In some way, I liked to think I kind of made it in such a fucked up business. To Sparrow it is viewed as such instability, he does not know if our relationship can sustain much more added stress. I wish he could just see it as I am gone 12 hours a week, then it is back to just us two. Nope, does not see it like that at all. I get mad . . . you met me and I was doing this. I feel some anger about this, I really do. Sparrow also thinks that I will get wrapped up, and if he can’t handle it then I will say fuck it and leave him. Does he really think I truly want to be stripping at 32, and will want to stay in that repulsive dark shit hole of a club? Come on. We are getting married. I am frustrated. This entire situation is just a fucking life sucker . . . I am sorry for who I am, I am sorry for all the mistakes that have cost me and the ones that I love some sanity, I am sorry if this is as good as I can give at this point in time. I am sorry if it is not good enough.

-ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on June 30, 2012.

5 Responses to “Impermanence.”

  1. I love reading your blog, but having 3 paragraphs for these many words makes it tough on the eyes, at least for me.

    Just something to possibly consider.

  2. Wow. This is tough and I’ve been there so I understand. There is a delicate balance between doing what makes you happy and what’s best for your relationship. To be honest, I can appreciate both sides of the situation. Even now, having been retired for about 3 years, I think about it often when things get a little too strapped. Working on an exact budget is not fun, lol, but I try to remind myself that I’m moving forward – that’s what life is about. I hope your return to the industry is truly temporary and doesn’t cause you to have to sacrifice anything or live in regret. And don’t be sorry. You have nothing whatsoever to be sorry for…good luck and keep writing.

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