Quiet Storm.

Lollipops & Razorblades.

“Sick of circling the same road. Sick of bearing the guilt, so open the windows to cool off, and heat pours in instead. Perfect in weakness, I’m only perfect in just your strength alone.”

It has become very apparent that my communication skills have dulled, become almost non existent. I don’t know. What I do know is that they are the only key to a successful and lasting relationship. Sparrow keeps talking to me . . . I am not talking back. He tells me that I don’t ever bring anything up that is bothering me until I make a final decision. When that final decision is made there is no talking about it, its done. Maybe this is selfish, maybe this is how I process things. I have always had a problem with finishing things once I begin them. I am the constant quitter in life, maybe that is why I don’t discuss. I think that there is a part of me that feels like if I say something without one hundred percent accuracy then it will be held against me. I don’t want to go back and forth, over and over a situation or issue. That shit is to exhausting, Sparrow, will go on and on for days about a single comment that I make. So I take the time I need and sit on things until I know how I am going to proceed. Strange, it is the only time that I am slightly rational. I want to be held accountable for everything I say, I say everything that I mean . . . so I guess it works in my favor. Maybe this is not fair? I am not sure, it is the only way for me to stay sane. For instance, when Sparrow alerted me to our financial situation I sat on it, then I made up my mind to go back to work, end of discussion. I don’t want to talk . . . thats all we ever did was talk, that is how we fell in love. Hours were spent on the phone in the late evening hours talking about everything and nothing . . . special times. It seems like now we are on top of each other all day long, and not in a good way. It has been a straight seven months of this, I love him dearly . . . this would eventually place a strain on any couples relationship. We are certainly not immune.

Today I feel a heightened anxiety, I feel in control but there is a quiet storm brewing. The heat has been unbearable, that makes any sane person rage. My sweet loving bunny may be very ill, he has a large growth, he is the little joy of my life. Yes I know when he goes to the vet on Monday they will most likely tell me that he has to be neutered and maybe he will be ok. I can’t deal with losing anything else to cancer, isn’t it enough that it took my mother and my beloved beagle? Not my fucking bunny . . . he is my cookie. In order to keep my mental state in check today I decided that it was going to be a “bleach day”. These are those days when nothing in the fucking world can help me other then that kind of therapy that scrubbing does. I began in my white panties, tank top and flip flops. No joke, I did the bathroom, I did the base boards . . . no music . . . just my mind and the smell of bleach. I wish I could bleach myself, then I could disinfect it all, make it clean, make it new . . . start again. I think some old OCD habits are kicking in. Just when I think things can not get anymore difficult this weekend, I find out that Sparrow sister will be staying with us tomorrow night. This is her stop over before she leaves to go back to the state with no soul . . . Florida. Things with Sparrow’s family have not been good, with his sister they have been ok. The rest of them, after that fucking trip from hell, I fantasize about staking them with ice picks . . . they have no soul, you can see the reference. I have never been a fan of entertaining, actually I hate it more then I hate doing math problems and that is fucking saying a lot. It makes me feel like I want my privacy get the fuck out of my home. I don’t even understand how people enjoy going and visiting people and spending the night. That makes me so uncomfortable, I don’t do it. I like my space, I don’t like anyone in it . . . go stay in a hotel or with someone that cares. I am on a rant, thank the lord this time it is literally for a day and night. Here is though where my utter weird comes in, when I say fucking weird I mean it. I have went through the cabinets of food that I do not want her eating, this would be the foods that make me feel safe and comfortable. This consists of my coconut water and my cashews, I will be removing them so she can not have them. The woman has no self control, she will eat my safety. I will not have it. I told this to Sparrow and he just looked at me and said. . .”ok” . . . I ask him if this is an only child thing, he said yes. Maybe it also my issues with control, the OCD thing and all, maybe some old food issues. During times of stress is when all that deep seeded shit tends to come back in your face. Oh hi, you thought I was out of your life . . . no you’re wrong . . . just waiting for that prime time to make it’s re entrance. I guess the good thing is that I am aware of it. I really can’t (but I can) believe that I am hiding coconut water, just another day in the life of a strange girl. As I continued my crazed Saturday morning I was practicing yoga upstairs in the bedroom. Sparrow went out for a little bit, when he arrived back I finished up savasana and came downstair. There was a dozen roses waiting for me . . . I think back to the time when Sparrow said to me, “there will always be money for flowers” . . . indeed. God damn this man loves me, I am a fucking lunatic, I am mean, quiet frankly I can really fucking suck. Good thing to know that some really do love you for everything and nothing less. I think he got the short stick with me, if you ever ask him he will tell you he has more then he could ever ask for . . . sometimes to much. Love in the truest form, fucking acceptance. Now as I begin to ease into my afternoon I can say that all the money or lack thereof has no bearings on love, the love is really the unspoken truth that lies within two people. Not many people have what we do. I know that things will only get better with time. The trick is to never lose sight of that brilliant light inside one another, let it burn let it burn, burn.

-ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on July 7, 2012.

4 Responses to “Quiet Storm.”

  1. Wow. What’s wonderful here is that you have that kind of unconditional love that people yearn for. That is something special. I can see a bit of myself in some of your actions. I also sit and ponder for a while before making a final decision about something major. It’s different for you, though, because there is another person who will be affected by the choices you make. It’s tough to let someone in like that – sometimes it’s a curse to be so independent, it can push people away. He’s a keeper, though, so I hope one day you can let him in on some of those decisions before they’re made. I’m sure having someone to lean on will help relieve some stress.
    As for hiding the food, I almost laugh because I’m the same way. Your ‘safety food’ is what i like to call my ‘comfort food.’ And I never really want anyone touching it. I live alone so most of the time, it doesn’t get bothered. Except for guests, which I don’t really care for either. But I think my thing with food may be because my mother used to do the same thing: tuck away food that she didn’t want my sister and I to get to. And if we did, it pissed her off to no end. Now, I understand that she just wanted some things for herself. Kids really demand a lot and it’s no wonder she would lose her mind sometimes. I thought she was being selfish until I now feel the same way from time to time.
    Awesome thoughts, thanks for sharing them with us…

  2. Hey girl πŸ™‚ thank you so much for reading. I am sure you especially understand the independent mentality. You though are very right when you tell me that I should include him a little bit more, he is a great man. I am so glad that you get the whole hiding food thing, I know it is weird but we learn from the best. You mom sounds like a woman that I would like very much. Can we for the love of god just have somethings for ourself … really. I remember living alone, don’t get me wrong I love living with Sparrow dearly but man, living alone is priceless. Everything is just the way you left it when you come home. Its nice having peace with yourself in your own place. You already know this. I adore your blog please keep it coming. I want to hear more about stripping in Vegas. Things are never what they seem πŸ™‚ kinda what I think is smoke and mirrors, keep it coming. Oh and this Jen character is a piece of work, stripping is its own world. The stories that we both have . . . can’t make any of this up. Priceless. Be good to you.

  3. Bleaching in white underwear: pretty genius.

    The food “safeguarding” is just being responsible. If you have company regularly, it is something that you do automatically. It is a concealed landmine that you are removing from the guest’s way. You don’t give a two year old a stemmed crystal goblet, then have to swallow your upset when it breaks. You are just exercising healthy boundaries. My opinion, anyway.

    Newly reading, take care ~

  4. HI dawninflux πŸ™‚ thank you finding this blog and really taking some of your time and reading it. I love this reference of giving a child a stemmed crystal goblet … thank you for making me laugh and seeing that I maybe not that crazy, only “the good crazy” πŸ™‚ I like your perspective a lot, you have a wonderful tone. Lets keep in touch. Be well.

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