Hope.

Lollipops.

“You’re the only one, I’d be with till the end.  When I come undone you bring me back again . . . back into the stars, back into your arms.”

I woke up yesterday morning and felt a sense of acceptance. The sooner that I can begin to grasp a firm hold upon the reality that is my life, the sooner then I can foster a certain kind of change within myself.  A good change, something that will take efforting and hard work.  A new kind of hard work, something that values me for completing a task at hand or just for being fucking competent  . . . not bare breasted in a G-string.  Sparrow and I seem to be all about the “struggle” yeah, I know it is never going to be easy.  Does it have to be so fucking hard? Well that is the million dollar question, do we make it that hard? This just maybe who we are.  Come on, the two of us have massive anxiety disorders, things are going to get blown out of proportion. I do think that things are difficult, no question, I think for my mental stability I need to start making some moves.  Nobody, I repeat nobody is going to come knocking on my door asking for me.  Sparrow and I went out to dinner the other night, it was a date night, first one in a long time.  The things that one takes for granted . . . how easy it was before for us.  Maybe now how much more of an appreciation we have for our special time out together, for each other.  We sat side beside each other like we have done since our first date together. I thought is was kinda no . . .I knew it was really strange at first, really weird, then I realized soon after it was part of his charm.  We started talking about the life that we want to be able to have.  Right now I have to see it as a clean slate, you can always rebuild, the foundation that is what is important. Ours luckily is rock solid.  I told him that we right now are struggling for nothing, both being parlayed by fear to make some kind of fucking move.  If we have to struggle then fucking god damn it we gotta struggle for something.  That something is what makes the struggle okay, hell it makes the struggle worth it all in the end.  When those words came out of my mouth I swear truer words have never been spoken.  This goes for me and my choices, were any of them worth all the pain and suffering that I inflicted on myself for over a decade?  Maybe that is why I am so fucking unhappy, I never struggled for something, for someone  . . . I never struggled to save myself.  Everything was always ok, there was always enough money and time and if I ran out or needed something, hell I had it within a few days.  Yes I  mentally I struggle everyday, it is just who I am.  That is no fucking excuse for me never taking charge and paving my way, not cutting through, laying my own foundation.  I never did that.  I chose anonymity over honesty, greed over hard work . . . I wonder why I am mentally a basket case and can’t handle driving someone to the airport  . . . yes something like that throughs me into a fit of rage and tears.  It’s lunacy, I am aware.  Sparrow is thinking of going back to school which I had suggested, I think it is the best idea I’ve had in awhile and we both were kicking ourselves like why was this not thought of sooner.  This will get him going to where he needs to be.  In his last job, the big corporate america job, he did not finish his bachelors degree. . .he didn’t have to, he is 3 classes away.  He needs to do it.  Then we were talking about what could lie ahead, there were talks of law school  . . .  worth the struggle.  If this means that Sparrow could quiet possibly be rematriculating back in the fall, it may make me going back to work a tad bit easier on him.  He won’t have to completely focus all his time and energy on me and my job.  I know it is less then desirable and I talk about the positive changes that need to start occurring, I am aware and I have some plans that will be in place after the new year.  This is it, if all goes well or not.  The end of the year I am done, I am tying a beautiful fucking bow on a really ugly situation then burring it deep away.  It really is time to move on.

Sparrow and I have what I call our garden out in the back yard.  It is not really a garden though, I am not the green thumbs kinda girl.  I have never in my life been able to keep a house plant alive, I forget about them, they die, it’s bad.  So what I decided to do since I am not digging in any dirt, I just did a whole bunch of flower pots.  I tend to do well with flowers because of the fact they are just natures beautiful gems that I get to look at for a few months a year.  My petunias are beautiful.  As Sparrow and I picked out our other remaining annuals I asked him if he liked impatient’s.  He responded with “I am with you, you already know I do”.  He thinks he is funny.  My red fiery impatient, this was my favorite plant, it almost immediately died in it’s new home.  I was devastated, I mean really I know it is only a fucking plant and sometimes they just don’t make it.  This plant was so extraordinary, it had to come back to life.  This plant, is what I said to Sparrow, summed up our life.  It was not dead, it could not be fucking dead.  One month later “I” watered this thing, moved around the back yard from the sun to the shade and named it “Hope” that is all I had for this poor pathetic dead ass plant. It started to go from brown to green, leaves were starting to grow  . . . then the one blossom.  I looked at Sparrow after he told me throw the damn thing away, and he said things really do come back to life.  Today it is thriving, I hope that “hope” is a premonition of what is around the corner.  I know these days I tend to hold out for any good vibes I can regale in.  I think we are and have to start to leave winter now . . . maybe we will have our own spring soon.

-ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on July 18, 2012.

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