The Music Box.

Lollipops & Razorblades

“I have no regrets.  There is nothing to forget, all the pain was worth it.”

That’s it, wake me up when August ends  . . . It’s over and all a complete blur . . . how the fuck did this happen so quickly? I have been supposed to be taking it easy mentally, forget physically, all the same though, I am more tired then I have been in a long time.  I haven’t slept in weeks, being jaunted awake every hour on the hour begins to wear on you.  I can’t tell if it is me going back to work in a few weeks, Sparrows anxiety about our life and money woes or the complete lack of support from anyone in our lives . . . my father excluded.  Wow, I am fucking glad this summer is over, change is inevitable, change is extremely difficult for me.  I think for the first time I am craving it, I need it to nourish me, my soul.  I need so desperately to be good at something, be an adult, I mean I know of course I am.  I need to be an adult that has a few responsibilities not just making sure that I am mentally well, I need to be a better girlfriend.  I may need to be held accountable for shit, this may, even to my horror, maybe doing things that I don’ t necessary want to do.  Time to grow, time to grow up, I have spent 8 years on and off walking around in the big girl shoes.  Having nothing other then the height of my shoes to show all that I had accomplished in my life.  Well that and a pretty decent savings account . . . plus, but there is so much that I have lost . . . time . . . minus.  I am looking down the barrel of a shot gun, my time is ticking soon in a very few short weeks my thirty third is upon me.  I will most likely be doing my last rotation in my 6.5 inch platform mary janes, step down sweetheart from the era that you believed help make you, create you and at one point may have just saved you and destroyed you as well.  I have struggled with coming back to this blog at this juncture, I don’t want to talk about the final return and the triumphant exit.  Because as one who knows, knows. . .it will never be like that.  This job, other then my cat has been the constant in my life for a long time.  It is hard to let go  . . . the part that I am dealing with is that I have let it go.  Only to return again for the mere monitory gain of it all.  We at this point, really do need the money and it’s just stupid to not have me go in two days a week.  The bills will all be covered in those two days, if not in the first.  I really was that good, only to my past experience to get better  each time I returned.  Unfortunately I have crafted my skill to near perfection. Sparrow had his two year anniversary a few weeks ago.  He has stayed sober, I am so proud of him.  If this shit, the past year has not made him drink I don’t think anything ever could.  I love him dearly.  He is the light within my darkness, he is the one that makes me shine.  Sometimes I wonder if I do anymore, shine that is.

Sparrow and I were watching Romeo and Juliet, the newer one with Claire Danes and Leonardo Dicaprio, well it’s not new but the old one was from like the fifties.  Anyway the “love theme” from Romeo and Juliet started playing.  I was catapulted back to dancing school when I was in my pink seamless tights, black leotard and pointe shoes.  I was at the time most likely 15, I was practicing for my solo.  The love theme was my song, a very special song to my mother.  She loved watching me dance, it bought some other kind of life out of her even when she was at her most ill.  She would light up when I danced.  As a gift for my my solo that year my mother had a music box made that played the love theme from Romeo and Juliet.  As Sparrow and I watched the movie I was overcome with grief, the tears just wouldn’t stop coming.  It was this deep ache of sadness, this overwhelming profound sadness of the loss of my mother.  I feel the same thing, not to the extent that I did the other night when in yoga we are placed in frog pose.  All that stored up shit that one may never let go.  Sparrow just held me, I am never really good at accepting that, I usually just go and cry on my own.  I am learning though to let him just love me  . . . all of me.  I am lucky to have such unconditional love.  The next day I went to my fathers in search of the music box.  I had no idea for years it was left untouched on the hope chest in the living room.  I think like I do many other things, I choose not to see it.  It was waiting for me when I was ready for it.  It now is sitting right next to me on my night table . . . very bittersweet, I have something tangible left of her.  Please let me be able to stand on my own, let me be the best person that I know I can be, especially when the road continues to be rough.  I will keep my head held high fighting all the way through, finding a little surrender and some ease within.  Time to go.

-ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on August 25, 2012.

2 Responses to “The Music Box.”

  1. Good luck, Applejaxe…you’re going to be fine. I am very impressed that Sparrow is two years clean during the ups and downs. Solid. 🙂 Also, I love the song ‘Kissing You’ from the R & J soundtrack. Always makes me cry. It’s a great song for two people who love each other. As always, thanks so much for sharing…

  2. Stripper X once again thank you. You know what? I am so proud of Sparrow as well, he just quietly handled the day didn’t really make any kind of fuss about it. I just followed his lead on how he wanted to deal with it. He is solid, he is the best grounding point. He is just good people and he puts up with me 🙂

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