Maybe Just the Simple Life.

Lollipops.

“And just in time in, in the right place  . . . Steadily emerging with grace.”

I sit here feeling the seasonal breeze come through my living room windows, it’s pretty strong.  The floor length curtains tied with satin bows are playfully swirling, sort of like my mind.  The wind chimes from the back yard are playing a melodious game with the breeze, they complement each other.  I think that these coming months, especially the autumn are the ones that tend to compliment me.  Sparrow left for school the other afternoon, I was alone, it  was not a scared alone, it was the kind of alone that I enjoyed . . . I was able to just be.  Mostly I was able to be and think and not be frightened.  Sparrow came back in later that night and said, “that he felt old”.  Of course you do silly, they are children, you will be just fine . . . he is and I am proud of him.  I then started to think again what I am going to embark on, it has always been this . . . “hmmm what can I just become for the sake of becoming something.”  This has never worked for me in the past, can I not just be okay with being myself? I can be pretty fucking awesome, crazy and all.  Sparrow asked me what it was that I wanted or needed, what I wanted my (our) life to be.  I sat and I thought long and hard about it.  I answered, I really need to live in a very quiet place where the outdoors nourish me.  By no fucking means does this imply that I hike or camp or do any other outdoor activities other then take a walk or run.  I know I am a girl and I hate the mud and bugs.  I need the serenity and the peace a simpler more quiet life, I think I need this to heal as well.  I have known this, I just for a long time would refuse that I was going to be anything other then a city girl . . . I mean that is how I look and all.  I guess don’t judge a book by it’s cover, apparently again I have manipulated myself to believing what I wanted to believe.

I am terrified of commitment and responsibility this is no surprise, except once again, only to myself.  This came up over a discussion that Sparrow and I were having, he spouted off all this shit.  Not bad shit, just shit that I have never really thought about, but it is shit that needs to be looked at like . . . yesterday.  We were talking about jobs, I have not just been a stripper, I have had other jobs in high end boutiques and other retail positions nothing of any kind of importance.  Every time I tried to leave the business and try to redirect my life into something mindless and low stress I didn’t care, even being low pay.  I just needed to learn to re enter society.  There was always a problem, I was always being groomed for these management positions.  A job that had responsibilities I come across like I can manage the president , this was something that I could not handle.  I would then quit and find my way back to the strip club and make enormous amounts of money with zero responsibility and no commitment.  I was not even responsible for being myself.  What the heck does that tell you? I have been given everything, ever tool to succeed. I went to an elite prep school followed by college and here is where it seems to start.  I quit three short credits, one fucking class away from my degree.  Why? I never knew, math was really hard for me.  I went to school for massage therapy when I quit stripping the second time, what did I do? I withdrew all the work that I put in and toss it away. Why? I really do not have a fucking clue . . . I had anxiety.  Sparrow tells me that I keep quitting because I don’t want to be forced to deal with doing something that I went to school for.  In the end it really doesn’t matter if I became an english teacher or writer or had my own massage therapy business.  I would have the skills and the education, but me just being committed to finishing is too much responsibility.  Wow I am really fucked up.  I have wasted all of these years, time after time having absolutely ZERO faith within myself, having no confidence.  The only confidence that I had was being a girl with a different name . . . Zoe Jane.  Sparrow rattled on and then he looked over at me, I was clearly upset, not his intention for the point of the conversation to make me upset, he kissed my head and said that was enough for tonight.  I don’t get it, I can commit to a pair of shoes is a millisecond and not think twice. When it comes to things of importance as I sit here right now awaiting UPS for my, I don’t know twelfth pair of UGG boots . . . I just cut run and fuck myself out of a happy and fulfilling life.  Sparrow then said that there is a part of him that knows I am scared to fully commit to him.  I looked at him  . . . “I said YES”. . . what did he mean?  He stated that one of the reasons that our relationships works so well is because there are no responsibilities that are placed on me to be anything other then me.  He said that was ok and that he loved all of me.

Maybe all the quiet has been good, maybe it is showing me who I really am.  What I really do need . . . what I really need to start focusing on.  In the stillness I am, there for I know.  Time has been on my side, it is still on my side patiently waiting for me with no judgement waiting for me to paint the beautiful landscape of my life.

-ApplejAxe

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~ by applejaxe on September 1, 2012.

2 Responses to “Maybe Just the Simple Life.”

  1. “…I have manipulated myself to believing what I wanted to believe.” As dancers, we’re so good at that. What other choice did we have? Accept the role that’s in front of us and get through it. Otherwise, wallowing in self pity would just consume us and that’s a dark void no one should have to face.
    There is nothing wrong with you. I wish I would have started marking down every time in my current job that I’ve had the thought of how much simpler life was when I was dancing. No dozen meetings to go to, no real problems to solve for clients and no bosses to answer to…you’d see that there’s nothing wrong with thinking that. I am 100% positive that everyone else has that same thought at any given point in their respective careers. Responsibility, ugh. It sucks.
    As for starting down a certain career path and then stopping – completely relate. I get a new client or a new project or start a new script with an amazing new concept and my enthusiasm just goes through the roof. But at the same time, it wanes for other stuff that’s already in progress. The thrill is gone for those. I think you and I both suffer from the need to be properly stimulated in order to get stuff done. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
    I’ve accepted the fact that I am afraid of failure and I think you are, too. But I think I’ve figured out why finishing something is an issue for me. I’m also afraid of success. Success in my relationships, success in the workplace. There’s a distinct fear of contentment because then what? I’m happy? No way, that doesn’t happen to me…but then when that success and contentment sinks in, nothing feels like work anymore. It won’t feel like ‘responsibility’ – it will feel like a great life.

    • You are right I am so fearful of success that I set myself up for failure. I end up cutting and running and god forbid I be good at something other then dancing. I think that is a bit of the self loathing. I know I am the only one that can change this and I suppose it is good that I am seeing this sooner rather then later. There is nothing that I want more then a good life I just have to make it. I am so glad that there is someone else that relates to this stuff. If you haven’t spent a portion of your life in a g string and six inch platforms you just don’t get it. Thank you once again for the words, letting me know that it’s okay:)

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