A Defining Moment.


“I’m so tired of playing, playing  with that bow and arrow, gonna give my heart away leave it to the other girls to play.  For I have been a temptress for too long.”

I have managed to stay away from it all . . . the grotesque envy that always drew me back in, the lude narcissist behavior that had encompassed me wholey.  The greed that drove me . . . I did not go back.  I have sat in this quiet space for six weeks or so give or take, staring at that luggage and not being able to go and re open it. Wounds still remain, the gain waiting almost like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit . . . I did not take my own bait.  I have been baiting myself for months leading up to this point all assured just waiting for myself to step all too willingly into the trap yet again.  Time past on, I kept running finding new ways to feel better about myself, challenge myself.  I am for the first time really in the reality of my life. I maybe physically running but no longer can I mentally run away from it all, back to the strip club . . .darkness in the day. This is the shit that got me here in the first place.  I try to think that I am one of the stronger ones at this point in my life, the longer the girl stays in the business, inevitably the harder it is to leave, options, right, there are none. I am learning on a slow curve that there are some, I just need to make them.  Which means that I have to work and figure out what is right, not just what maybe  is easy . . . at the end of this game what it all comes down to is nothing is fucking easy, it’s damn near fatal, this fucking career I swear was going to be the death of me.  Not anymore, no . . . I didn’t go back.  I never came out and said anything, I know that everyday for the past month that Sparrow has been sitting on the edge of his seat just waiting for me to say, Tuesday I am going back.  That day never did come.  September 21 did though, that was the day we were to marry, become husband and wife, united and all.  That was a hard week, it was harder on Sparrow then it was for me, I chalk it up to it was just not our time, not this year . . . horrendous year.  I have to say though, I could not have picked a more spectacular day to get married that was really what killed me, it was picturesque.  It was not our time.  Sparrow said that this was a first marker of our life not being the way it was suppose to be . . . the ramifications of our shit year, us not married.  I told him that we are to pick a day for 2013 whatever day that he wanted.  He said May, then of course I did not like that.  Well what do you want from me?  I thought about it for a little while and was thinking that we should just wait until fall, then I know he could not bear waiting another year.  So there it was looking at me, June 21, 2013 . . . the longest day of light.  This seems perfectly fitting.  The darkness has surrounded us for too long, things will be different, fuck they already are.

At the end of the day I want to say that I did it for Sparrow, my love for him is far to deep.  What would I have gained during my triumphal return? Maybe if I was lucky fifteen grand during the time that I allowed myself.  What the hell is fifteen grand going to do for me in the long run, nothing, it’s nothing . . . we are not talking hundreds of thousands of dollars.  What the fuck is fifteen grand going to do maybe give me some more money so I can buy the gourmet olives from whole foods like I use’d to buy.  The meager monetary gains would not remotely be enough to jeopardize my relationship that has been pushed over the edge and back again. I love him and I love me, far to much to put myself farther behind most people that I know.  I sold it all, well not all . . .  for the sole reason to not be like everybody else.  Well guess what I won that one  . . . I am like nobody else and it did not have to take seven years in the strip club to be who I am.  Stand tall tiny one, without  platform shoes there is a long road that lay down in front  . . . waiting and wanting to steal a piece of that sweetness, the beauty and grace that sits calmly on my shoulders admits my chaos.  That little light that shines oh so bright . . . the little one, the stripper with the heart of gold . . . ZJ has hung up her G-string, the curtain has closed and the show is finally over. I will end it the way that I began it all, with the first song that I danced to every single shift, with a little bit of Portishead’s “Glory box”, “I’m so tired of playing, playing with that bow and arrow gonna give my heart away leave it to the others girls to play.  For I have been a temptress for too long . . . give me a reason to love you give me a reason to be a woman.” I think that is a self fulfilling prophecy.  I am okay . . . really, at least for tonight.



~ by applejaxe on October 4, 2012.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: