Against the Dying of the Light

 

Lollipops.

It has been no secret that this blog has been very inactive for months.  I needed to step away from it, all that it contained, my pain, my self loathing and my personal uphill struggle.  I didn’t need to talk about it anymore.  I had to just fucking let it go  . . . unchain myself from all the missteps, mistakes and lessons that got me to the unpleasant reality of my life. I was the only one that could change it, stop blaming the death of my mother or my overly generous father, my anxiety disorder. My decision to spend close to a decade in the strip clubs escaping.  Escaping nothing but adding more and more layers of hurt with set backs.  Prolonging the inevitable that someday I will have to step out into the light  . . .into my life and start to learn to live.  I never stepped back into the club never danced another set.  It’s over.  I am healthier now then I ever have been, I am back in school pursuing a new career that I am excited to embark on. Sparrow and I are still here holding on  . . . we remain strong even when the waves keep trying to pull us under.  I like to say, “just like air we rise above”.  I have not decided if this will be my last post, it may be.  This blog is very difficult to re read for me, its still very raw.  I don’t like to stay here very long.  These are the darkest moments.  I got out  . . . I got out as a tear makes it’s way down my cheek.  I regret nothing, I am who I am because I did what I did.  I didn’t make it easy and I never seemed to choose wisely . . . but after almost a decade, I got through, or maybe making it through. Work is constant.  I work hard everyday to be kinder, with others as myself.  I am far smarter then I gave myself for  . . . I wish I could have seen it sooner.  I have accepted that I just wasn’t ready, strong enough.  Sitting in your shit and being forced to look deep within is fucking scary, it’s ugly . . . in the end it makes you more beautiful.  To everyone that has been a faithful reader, I thank you with more then words, the support was much needed  and I am grateful, thank you for being a part of my healing.  My favorite poem I will quote here  . . . it is very near and dear to my heart.  This sums it up. 

 

“Do not go gentle in that good night . . . RAGE, RAGE, against the dying of the light.” Dylan Thomas

 

Lastly . . . may all beings and animals be filled with loving kindness, free from pain and suffering, may you be free  . . . 

Thank you for listening, truly,

Applejaxe

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~ by applejaxe on March 14, 2013.

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