Gone Baby Gone.

Lollipops and Razorblades

I can’t stop thinking practice what you preach.  Nothing aggravates me more then that.  Especially when it comes to me  . . . I have always tried to keep shit real even in my fucked-up world of pretend.  Life has changed and it has stayed the same.  For the past year Sparrow and I have been dealing with his current unemployment  . . . what ever happened to the american dream? The land of opportunity? What happened to a decade of experience and a college degree that compliment each other. Fuck, right, should have just become a plumber . .  .everyone needs a toilet that flushes. This is where we are at, it’s past scary, we are not the only people but it is unbelievable how we managed to make it this far with both being him unemployed and me underemployed.  My anxiety has been through the roof, I am still trying to deal with getting a “job” while being in school and the crazy thing is I just don’t know how to do it.  Maybe it is because I have never worked more then a 12 hour work week and had all the time in the world to be idle . . . crazy and stare.  I do though find enough time to re organize the perfectly organized closet and re fold folded tank tops over and over again.  That though maybe a case of my OCD kicking into overdrive.  The OCD has been bad for the past few days, I do weird shit . . . over pluck my eyebrows, cut my cuticles down way too far so they bleed . . . I basically black swan myself.  The living situation with Sparrow and I has become a little rough  . . . we have spent over a year together everyday and night, even the best couple would have problems.  What is sad is that it is the circumstance, not our life together . . . we love each other. Something has gotta take a hit . . . it has been our sex life.  When shit gets really stressful  I want to be left the fuck alone and Sparrow just wants to go and fuck it away.  Unfortunately, I have been the winner of the arguments. So this brings me to what I started this post with . . . “Practice what you preach” I seriously am the first in saying that the only things you have to do in a relationship is feed them and fuck them.  I haven’t been doing enough fucking and at best I have been a real lame version on myself. I am not there, nobody wants that . . . its like being at the strip club watching the girl on stage staring off into the distant reflection of herself completely dissociated and bored.  I am not bored with sex but I think  . . . no I know, I haven’t been giving it my “A” game, shit I think I maybe a C-.  Totally not acceptable.  Like, hi, where the fuck did I go? I am trying to work on pulling out my sexy stripper again, I buried her deep away to “let it go”, okay so maybe it was kind of damaging to pull pieces of my personality and disregard them.  I know I am trying to put back together the crazy plate of myself . . . just better organized this time.  I think Sparrow would really like some of that back  . . . poor guy, the shit he has to deal with.

I hate when people don’t own their shit, okay wait, maybe they don’t know it is their shit yet.  Let me rephrase, when you know it is your shit please fucking own it.  I have never been someone that places blame, I for one have always been the one that I hurt and I let others do it as well.  So I was to say the least a little bit taken a back when I was called out on not owning my own faults recently. Like I said earlier I have been very anxious but also feeling ready to do things even if they scare me.  Huge step for me.  I have felt angry at Sparrow. I am mad that our life is still what it is . . . very stuck in the wrong ways.  I though have found movement.  I found myself saying quote, and me crying, “I have for the first time in my life feel that I can move forward and because our life is what it is I can’t.” It was haunting me  . . . I was so fucking pissed and sad.  Sparrow told me that was one of the most hurtful things that I could say  . . . it is only a matter of time until I leave.  He told me he was doing everything to get a job . . .  I know he is.  All he wants is for me to be happy.  Still I was convinced because he is unemployed my life can not go on.  I was on the phone with my father, telling him my sob story.  He fired back . . . “Hey do you think it’s time for you to stop blaming everyone for your own mistakes, no one is telling you not to move on  . . . you just don’t know how to.”  “Stop blaming Sparrow for your faults.”  My dad just made  me own my shit . . . I do, and I am really sorry.  I feel like a real jerk.  I guess my life begins here . . . how the hell am I going to work a normal job? So I guess I will have to start to go mainstream  . . . who  the hell knows how this is going to turn out.



~ by applejaxe on March 18, 2013.

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