The Expected Unexpected.

She read one day that if you face the sun then you cant see the shadows. The not so optimist wanted to believe this, she beamed her porcelain face right straight into the rays, closed her fragile eyes, clenched her fists and  . . . nothing.  Almost like she wanted the sun to devour her whole so she didn’t have to look back.  Quietly she waited.  She was alone, she always was even when she was with someone.  Sitting there small but unmistakably visible she drank her tea, silently she screamed. The only noise that was audible were her 3 charm bracelets that she wore.  She fiddled with them, rubbing her fingers over her “S” monogramed charm, that was the special one.  She closed her eyes, always as she thought of him she would tear up something fierce.  Her beloved bunny that she knew was watching over her.  The wind outside had begun to pick up she loved this, it fed her . . . the swirl and the upturn, the unsteadiness followed by some calm only to start over again. She could sit for hours listening to the windchimes.  It seemed to nourish her.  Goodbyes at one point were hard, exceptionally hard, she just seemed to stay far too long.  She at one point was the youngest of the bunch  . . . she exceeded them all at this point.   She was learning the hard way that staying put doesn’t move you along. Staying safe and quiet no matter how much you need it is a determent.  It looks like lack of productivity and laziness, nobody wants that.  She held on to it all.

 

She went on the computer later in the day.  She had to be doing something with her mind at all times even if she was doing nothing to keep her mind from the panic state.  She surfed along social media and wondered if these people that were her “friends” really were actually living the way that they represented themselves on here.  Can’t be, she had no real life of her own and it from time to time would “appear” that she had it all.  So I guess it wasn’t really the case.  She thought everyone wants to seem way better off then they actually are to people they don’t care about, she guessed this is what society has become.  A very overly connected disconnect if that could make sense.  She at that point in the day decided that it was okay to be herself  not a part of much, not trying to be anything that she wasn’t.  She stared at the screen for a little bit longer, just enough to aggravate her.  She slammed the laptop shut and interlaced her fingers resting her chin on her hands.  Staring out of the window she then glanced over her shoulder . . . waiting for her guard to be down.  It just took a millisecond.  She was startled as she often was, the outline was a blackened version of herself staring straight through her soul . . . she let out an exhale. She didn’t want to look back  . . . it was always something that pulled her there, she wanted to be swallowed by the light.

-Applejaxe

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~ by applejaxe on June 2, 2013.

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