Stealing Beauty.

At the end of everyday I just need to be thankful that I am loved . . . the shit that I put the ones I love through.  Another year has almost gone by . . . and wow it seems like it is traveling at a whirlwind speed.  How is that? How was it just February and now it is creeping down into the last of the summer weeks. . . the dog days.  Soon I will be married, I love him and that is all that I know for sure anymore. I can’t remember the last time I was at peace.  I seem to have slipped further and further from “myself”  . . . I don’t know who that is anymore.  I mean I do, sorta  . . . but it all has changed.  I don’t want to be one of those miserable people that fucked their life up so bad that they are angry about everything.  Someone that has that constant face of disappointment and can never understand why people are so happy.  I have to say that I for one have become that  . . . I can’t remember the last time that I laughed so hard that I almost peed myself.  I should, I was always one of those people.  For fucks sake I will not be that women in stop and shop who rams their fucking cart into you and keeps going without saying sorry . . . fuck you and fuck that.  I am scared that another birthday season is almost here . . . and nothing that I planned on working out is happening.  I still have him.  Jesus the panic has gotten worse, I don’t like leaving the house at all anymore.  I just want to stay safe.

I never thought that I once again would be face to face with a cold chrome pole.  After the years of placing my hands and my body against you I really never took the time to get to know you.  The pole was just a prop for me.  Yes I was not a stripper who had any idea of how to do any kind of pole tricks.  You did not need to for money making purposes.   It was either do pole tricks for maybe 20 bucks or 3. I could  though, lay up close to a customer at the tip rail and cajole them in to doing dances with me after I had “done my time”.  I choose the latter. People assume that if you were a stripper it was a prerequisite that you were able to pole.  Come the fuck on, people its a strip club,  they don’t care if you are deaf dumb and blind as long as you pay your house fee and DJ you’re good.  You have to be pretty . . . kinda?  Someone asked me the other day when I was at yoga about me and my pole dancing.  Didn’t you like, learn that as a dancer? Didn’t they teach you? Um no. Okay.  People to this day still have no idea what a strip club is about and it ain’t the pole dancing  . . .unfortunately. It’s about what is on the take out menu and blow jobs nowadays.   And like everything else in my life I made the wrong choice, I should have learned the fucking pole when I could have because I then would have a fucking gainful skill.  Who knew back in 2005 that pole dancing was going to become so mainstream? I always said I wanted a pole in my house and everyone looked at me like that was strange.  Pole classes are everywhere now.  I could have had a studio, it could have all paid off and morphed to something else.  But no.  So I got myself a pole and I am learning . . . who the fuck knew I would have been so good so fast.   Maybe it is all the yoga. Maybe it is  the years of seducing men and myself through the reflections and the lights.  All I know is that when I saw my reflection this time when I was practicing I saw a glimpse of her  . . . the girl that was a little more wild and free, she is still there.  I said the other day that yoga to me is so sacred it’s the quiet that I so desperately need, the focused breath and the showing up and trying to let go.  It reminds me that I can change when I am ready, its always open to embrace me and to break me. I don’t always like it and more other then other times hate it . . . Yoga forgives me every time.  It nourishes my sensitive heart.  The pole on the other hand . . . it devours me it’s almost like feeding my soul.  I don’t know, maybe its a good thing that there is something that makes me feel alive.  I was kinda wishing I were dead for a while, a long while.  Kinda makes me feel bright. . .like a star.

-Applejaxe

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~ by applejaxe on August 6, 2013.

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