A Piece of Cake.

There are times when you just crave having your asshole ripped open  . . . not like that, well maybe. No.  When someone just tells you all the horrible things to your face that you already knew.  Just solidifying in your mind that you are a fucking loser, a nobody at best . . . you are a weight that drags most into the abyss of sadness.  The thing is that,  you can never take back words, you can’t take shit back that you say to yourself.  If you move  into a better place, still you are left remembering those horrible yet true or untrue things.  No matter where you go, words they cut and they cut deep.  I think about the way that I talk to myself, I respect myself but I don’t think I love myself . . . that is the problem.  I believe that in reality I have something to give I truly do, but, there is no way for me to access it. There are so many cuts full of loathing it amazes me that I am still breathing.  The fact that I still give a shit amazes me.  I want a life, not one that means something . . .  one that has meaning.  I was lying on the bed the other evening and I was once again overwhelmed with being myself, the idea of waking to normalcy all in and of its self leads me to terror.  The lack of coping skill is astonishing.  I cried and when asked what was the matter all I could come up with was ” I don’t want to suffer anymore”  . . . I couldn’t believe that is what came out of my mouth.  It is true though. Sparrow has words tattooed in some fashion on him to the likes of “life is suffering” it a Buddhist thing.  People are so uninformed they think that it is a negative thing, anyways . . . I digress . . . the point of it is that once you realize that life is suffering then you will be able to live with the pain and maneuver through life with grace.  Acceptance for what is there . . . always pain always suffering. You can never then be disappointed.  I can’t be like that. I wish I could, I want to be exactly where I am, there is no other place to be. Right? I am tired of coming back to the same fucking spot of uncomfortable comfort.  Every time just a little deeper and much harder to crawl out of.  God and there is that talk again, remember the last time you were here . . . fucking loser, worlds biggest underachiever, who chooses to be a stripper?  Just think of what everyone else is saying about you this time  . . . you were always known as the “crazy friend”  . . . right you don’t have any, anymore.  I guess that is okay I don’t think that I could really handle that kind of pressure to be there for someone at the moment, when I can’t be there for myself

Please I just want it to stop.  I don’t want to suffer with self hate, I want to get in the fucking car and just drive somewhere that I don’t know how to get to and not have it be hysteria.  Then there is a part of me that wouldn’t know what to do without it all.  Like who would I be if there was nothing wrong?  I am so attached to what I think or what has happened in the past.  I live my life through a rear view mirror.  Have you ever taken a look at those things? . . . they are really tiny.  Such a small perspective such a beautiful world that I am missing out on.  Standing on the sidewalk watching the seasons change.  I think of normal and to me it seems, wait . . . I know the whole what is normal thing.  I don’t want to go there, so like I was saying to me normal would be like a delicious slice of angle food cake, toped with a lemon glaze and some strawberries. I think that is what it is  . . . my mother use to make it like that.  Life would be a light, sweet, heavenly bite.  I always wanted the sweet life . . . even if my reality is more than a bit skewed.

 

-Applejaxe

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~ by applejaxe on August 12, 2013.

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