His Vows.

 The trees have begun to shed their leaves . . . god, it seems all too early, my annuals are still in bloom.  I watch one by one as they fall.  I always seem to wake up this time of year.  I seem to become alive as everything is pushing to the maximum before its yearly death.  I feel a sense of peace knowing that winter is coming and then all is quiet.  I need that.  I think back to last year, this is when I do my yearly check in to see how I am or what has progressed in my life.  I am certainly not close to being where I should be but then again fuck that  . . . we are all different.  I don’t know if I struggle as much with the decisions that I have made in the past anymore.  That was just my path smart or not, I was just me.  Like I said we are all different.  Not one of us has everything and the old saying of the grass is always greener on the other side.  I envy no one.  I don’t want to be anyone other then myself . . . somedays I would like an easier version but all in all I’m okay with the package . . . its pretty fucking cute as well.  I am trying to be more present within my life now, not thinking in my past or worrying about what is going to happen in 6 months and what about the security? There is no fucking security, thats all I ever wanted.  Security from what?  I had no idea that life was going to be this difficult, I never understood the concept that anything worth it takes work . . . I equated it all to money.  Part of me always will.  There is never going to be enough,  there is never a right time  . . . and you keep living like that your life is over and . . . fucking nothing. This has been racing through my mind so much lately.  Sparrow and I were supposed to marry last year.  I thought because of our situation we were in it wasn’t the right time, things were so uncertain.  How could we marry it seemed like a bad idea.  One year later has come and gone . . . the two of us thinking aloud, god we should have do it last year.  Things aren’t that much better, I mean Sparrow has a job, but I am a lunatic as always and I was in mentally a better place last year.  We love each other more, I can only imagine how much love there will be in ten years.  

We married on September 19th in a rose garden, just the two of us and my father.  It was almost like the world had stopped to give us the perfect day.  I never in my mind thought that marriage would mean what it means.  I mean I guess I thought that it would change things a little.  I did not think that that I would feel safer.  I always thought it was going to be the two of us and it has been.  This though brought it down to a much deeper level almost like for me its all okay.  Okay in no matter what happens we have each other.  I think more about a future then I ever did before . . . like I want to live and live with him.  I don’t want to be in this vicious circle of suffering anymore.  So I have been thinking of trying to stop.   I wish had a voodoo doll for all the people that piss me off.  I know a random digression,  but really. . .you really can’t rely on anyone, no support no, nothing.  Not too many people were supportive of us getting married, I mean all the “friends” and ” acquaintances” were but at the end of the day they don’t matter.  Quiet frankly they don’t matter to me either but if you hurt the people that I love then you become my problem.  And like I stated the voodoo doll would be lovely.  But I also on the other hand think wow . . . to not be happy for two people just married you must be a pretty miserable fuck.  Thats their shit . . . not ours. We are just this one beautiful love.  Like I said I envy no one. 

His vows were to protect my sensitive heart and to nurture my quiet soul.  I am the luckiest girl in the world. I married the one soul who gets me.

-Applejaxe

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~ by applejaxe on September 30, 2013.

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