Something that is worth anything big or small has a beginning and an end.  I have always struggled to get to the end of anything with out giving up entirely. Or better yet, taking some backwards circle to where I have always landed. Same crippling spot.  For the first time in as long as I  can remember I have started and completed something.  I have decided that it is time to close the chapter of this blog.  Lollipops and Razorblades has been a raw, open wound of self loathing and doubt.  When I started this blog I could not grasp what kind of reality that I had lived in, most of it was fantasy.  I had to learn to try to start making steps.  I was not so successful most of the time.  I wrote about it.  I thought being a stripper was the most definitive mark in my life.  More times than not I was delusional . . . no judgment it’s just what it was.   I could, for a long time, write in an anonymous space the things that I could never say to any common day individual.  Shit, half the people around me still have no idea who I am.  It’s okay.  This blog has been my darkest hour that has lead me out to some light.  I keep coming back to writing, I stare at this blog and I can not contribute anything else.   For the longest time, and still to this day I have always said, “I don’t have much but what I do have are my words”.   I have gotten better . . . Healthier and Happier.  I stare down at the end of this road, a decade of my life and the only thing that I can think to say is you truly make your own life.  No one can bring you happiness, it is all inside and it’s all a choice . . . as in the choice to suffer or just accept that it is part of this magnificent world.  Everything you need you already have, I have it.  I can see that I have it.  I never could before.  I have let myself be loved, therefore I can start to love more.  It feels good to walk away from something that I have completed.  This is the work of my soul.  I am letting  the lightness now shine down all knowing  now that it is always the darkest before the dawn. Let all animals be free of suffering let them be at peace and ease.  Thank you to my beloved bunny Sebastian who looks down on me . . . gives me the beauty that I see . . . the light. While writing under my “alias” has been painful and fun.  For the foreseeable future I won’t be writing as Applejaxe. Thank you for reading. Warmly, Rebecca


~ by applejaxe on December 15, 2013.

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