Unwinding Ties.

I was thinking about my girlfriends . . . the friends that I used to have.  I was always a girls girl, never had many but I had a few best friends.  The ones the knew it all.  I remember being in my twenties and looking through picture albums and seeing the same three faces, some since kindergarten.  We were all growing, we went in different directions but all remained pretty compact . . . together.  There was never a large group with us sometimes two never more then four and we just were.  I thought it was strange that I was unable to connect with others. Later it was because I learned that making friends when you become an adult isn’t so easy, there seems to be a price.  People  would say that was such a rarity to have friends from your childhood, that I was really lucky . . . I didn’t really get it then, it was all that I knew.  I don’t think that I ever took it, or them, for granted . . . they for one were like sisters . . . oh, so maybe I did.  The thing about your childhood friends is that they know you inside and out, you couldn’t pull one past them if you tried.  That is the good and the bad, when you grow up you change, that shouldn’t matter but inevitably it happens.  Friends get married to others that you don’t get along with, others have babies and you get a cat.  Life evolves . . . then something is said, and things can, but really can’t, be taken back . . .  you always know where to hurt them or vice versa.  You just can’t get over things like you use to and don’t feel that you should.  Then time starts going by  . . . so much time.  We become stubborn, angry and won’t budge.  It’s no ones fault, mean things get said, we should forgive and move on . . . but we don’t.  No one wins, both sides are losers.  Hurtful words turn into years of unspoken truths . . . the truth is simple, I miss you . . .  words that never get said.  Life moves on, you have learned to live without that constant in your life, you mourned it and it may have never been dead.  Too much time  . . . wasted time, holding on to nothing just loss. Maybe I should have guarded my girlfriends tighter, they were the sisters I never had.  Maybe I should have not let so much time go by . . .  maybe if my head were just a little healthier.  I just shut the fuck down.

I have gotten back in contact with one of them . . . a sister by heart.  We are though unable to seem to make it back together, we have been “trying” to see each other for 6 months.  I know it will never be the same, it just feels strange  . . . and quiet frankly I am stranger now then I have been.  I have changed, I have in someways gotten better . . . not stripping.  But there are other ways that I have gotten a whole lot worse  . . . read the fucking blog. I don’t want to be seen in the state I am in at this moment, I keep thinking maybe when I get better. What if I don’t?   It’s like I can’t face my truth it would be staring back at me.  “Friends” that are made as adults just point blank fucking suck, nobody gives a shit unless its about them and nobody will ever get to know the real me . . . it just too fucking much. I don’t trust very easily and THEY are crazier then me . . . if that’s possible.  I think about this as the weeks approach to my last true single girl days . . . as I re watch old “Sex and the City” episodes and remember getting ready  to go out in my “Carrie” outfit as my other half was clearly “Samantha”.   I think back on the fondness, the innocence of true girlfriends  . . . the love  . . . and I still have it.  Maybe it is time.

 

-Applejaxe

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~ by applejaxe on September 3, 2013.

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